I Just Want to Know & I Want to Know It NOW…

I Just Want to Know & I Want to Know It NOW…

Unfortunately, it’s been 6 months of on-going headaches without a proper diagnosis other than the title becoming “chronic headaches”. So I guess you could only imagine how on-edge and uneasy I’ve been.

When these headaches started earlier this year, in the midst of Covid, I definitely felt very worried and scared. Though, being in and out of the ER multiple times this year alone has definitely made me realize how lucky we are to have the healthcare system that we do. No, it’s not perfect, but it is one that is available to us. During the momentsI waited to see a doctor, I found myself praying… praying for not only my health but for those who were in the rooms next to me, the ones that were upstairs, and of course, the medical staff (who would ask me if I wanted a sandwich at 3:00 AM). It’s interesting to look back and reflect on how fearful I was to just be in a hospital and not know what to expect but, those moments did play an important part in humbling myself. I realized that no matter how long I had to wait, I knew that I was going to be seen by a doctor that very same day. But of course, no matter how positive I tried to be, there were moments where I just thought things just couldn’t be any worse. I mean, I’m in the hospital during a pandemic. Out world – it is breaking apart. People have become violent and turned against one another. And must I say, the earth seems to be getting ‘hotter’. We might as well cancel 2020.

So I sit here writing this blog and all I want is to know why these headaches continue and how I can stop them. I want to know what’s going on with my health. I want to know the reason and the purpose behind these now-called chronic headaches. I want to know how this ‘viral infection in my brain’ even came to be. I also want to know why Covid exists. I want to know when this pandemic is going to end. And, above all, I want to know why my Dad had to go so soon. I just… I want to know it all. And I wanted to know it all now…

Thankfully (for the most part), I’ve come to accept my current situation and how time plays a crucial part in any healing and recovery journey. I’ve also learned that patience is definitely a virtue to have in life. It has now been over 2 months of waiting to see a Neurologist and get an MRI. So with that said, I pray for even more patience and strength. I do think it’s important to understand that our nature as Humans is to worry and how we tend to worry about things before they even happen. We all want some answers.  But, this is where your faith shines the brightest. If we automatically knew all that we wanted to know, there would be no reason to have faith or have it exist at all. There really wouldn’t be a need for doctors or nurses. So, although 2020 has been one heck of a mountain I’ve had to climb, I will continue to remind myself that sometimes God holds us back for our own good. 

My Favourite verse, especially since my dad passed, has been Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths”. This is what we need to keep on doing. Yes, it’s been more than half a year and I still may not receive an answer to these headaches anytime soon but, I do know that God is still in control and He has bigger and better things in store for me. Besides, if these on-going headaches never happened, I really don’t think I would have started this blog (that I’ve been wanting to do for the last 6 years). I also wouldn’t have opened up my creative side again and made any of my candles, pressed florals, and coasters. So as I patiently wait for an answer, I will remind myself that even when I don’t understand, there is a purpose behind all that has happened this year.

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Your post resonates with me. I waited a long time for a diagnosis (fibro) and wanted to know what was going on…oddly, I then wanted to know why. You’re right, we always have questions for God. But our God is big enough for our questions and pleas. He understands us and welcomes the conversations that we have with Him. I have now moved onto to waiting to see how God can use my situation(s) to His glory. This has been a long time coming. I love how you have so quickly understood the good (starting your blog) so early on in your journey of the headaches. You are an amazing young lady with such a love for serving God and loving people. Enjoy the ride and enjoy watching how God continues to use your story and your willingness to share it. Thank you

Hi Monica, Wow… thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts and I’m so glad it can resonate with others. It really is frusturating and anxiety-provoking to not have an answer to health issues. But, you’re right! Our God is bigger than our worries & fears. He also is in control so we need to continue to trust him, even in the questioning. Your words are so kind and encourage me to keep doing what I’m doing! Take Care Always xo.

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